If the link to the music is being problematic, you can log onto www.623ent.com its much easier to listen and download from there. Here is one of my favorite tracks!!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Been a long time/shouldn'ta left you without a dope beat to step to...
So here it is! These last few months have been CRAZY but music like this has helped get me through it! Free Download available now for this awesome indie Hip Hop artist named Traum Diggs. He's been creeping up everywhere and finally we've got a full list of tracks to throw in our iPods. Right click mixtape and have it open in a new window. Enjoy!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Not too close!
I've recently come to a new realization...or rather have been forced to revisit a recurring theme. Since my memory seems to be shot (thanks college), I forget how it feels to be at this place and at this realization until it happens again. Could that be because I'm not learning my lesson? Probably. I'm just not too sure what that lesson is.
I've realized that I really don't let anyone in. I've got these invisible barriers that I feel are completely necessary. What led me to this realization is a memory. A quick fleeting memory of a friend I had in junior high school. When I relocated back to NY a few years ago, I invited her to my mom's house for a 'woman power' summit. She said she would come, and she actually did. So, a few years later as I'm sitting here in my cube from hell, my mind wanders to her. It wanders because you would think that if I've known someone since I was 11 or 12 and she resurfaces in my life at 20+ that I would revisit a friendship with her, hang with her, get invited to her wedding, etc. Weirdly enough none of that happened. She came to my mom's house, I welcomed her with open arms, but I now realize I didn't invest in her. Granted, there were a lot of people and I was essentially the host, but still. Why didn't I take 10 minutes to talk to her? If I did, it wasn't significant because I don't remember it. Why didn't I follow up and set up dinner or drinks? Why am I just thinking about this now?
The answer is simple. I don't really invest. It's just how I am. I don't ever remember making friends...I mean I don't think I've ever approached a person in an attempt to be their friend. I'm usually discovered as this cool, funny chick that folks want to hang with. I think the second layer of this equation is that the very few times I have opened up and began to invest in someone, I was disappointed. Not only was I disappointed, but now this person knows things about me, and someone knowing things...anything... about me is not something I'm comfortable with. So, now there is someone that can hurt me with their words or their judgements of me because I let them see too much. The worst part is they usually do.
So, if you're reading this, just throw up a quick prayer for me as I try to peel back this onion. I know a lifetime of invisible barriers is not healthy. Especially when those barriers reach into all facets of your life (work, friends, family). But, I guess the key is finding a happy place between being a totally open book and Fort Knox.
I've realized that I really don't let anyone in. I've got these invisible barriers that I feel are completely necessary. What led me to this realization is a memory. A quick fleeting memory of a friend I had in junior high school. When I relocated back to NY a few years ago, I invited her to my mom's house for a 'woman power' summit. She said she would come, and she actually did. So, a few years later as I'm sitting here in my cube from hell, my mind wanders to her. It wanders because you would think that if I've known someone since I was 11 or 12 and she resurfaces in my life at 20+ that I would revisit a friendship with her, hang with her, get invited to her wedding, etc. Weirdly enough none of that happened. She came to my mom's house, I welcomed her with open arms, but I now realize I didn't invest in her. Granted, there were a lot of people and I was essentially the host, but still. Why didn't I take 10 minutes to talk to her? If I did, it wasn't significant because I don't remember it. Why didn't I follow up and set up dinner or drinks? Why am I just thinking about this now?
The answer is simple. I don't really invest. It's just how I am. I don't ever remember making friends...I mean I don't think I've ever approached a person in an attempt to be their friend. I'm usually discovered as this cool, funny chick that folks want to hang with. I think the second layer of this equation is that the very few times I have opened up and began to invest in someone, I was disappointed. Not only was I disappointed, but now this person knows things about me, and someone knowing things...anything... about me is not something I'm comfortable with. So, now there is someone that can hurt me with their words or their judgements of me because I let them see too much. The worst part is they usually do.
So, if you're reading this, just throw up a quick prayer for me as I try to peel back this onion. I know a lifetime of invisible barriers is not healthy. Especially when those barriers reach into all facets of your life (work, friends, family). But, I guess the key is finding a happy place between being a totally open book and Fort Knox.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Anger
Where does anger come from? Everywhere. Who does anger affect? Everyone. OK OK so I watch waaay too much TV and now I am using 'the depression commercial' as my opening line...someone cut me off already!
Seriously though, I've been examining negativity and anger for awhile now. I've been particularly examining how contagious it is. The one thing I can't figure out is where does it exactly start? I mean people get angry. Your parents, your children, your siblings, your friends, your colleagues. But, then there are another type of people who just are angry. Sure, like any human being they have spans of happiness (or what seems like happiness) but then BAM! at the drop of a dime (or one uneasy step) that happiness is shattered. This is when the razor sharp quips, the brooding, the opinions, the almost uncontrollable rage, sets in. Where the hell does that come from?! Why does it feel so good and so bad all at the same time? It's almost as if its another person. Like a little ugly, angry, loser that is sitting in you (or them), and every now and then decides to take over your body.
Women mostly blame these feelings or these fits of acting out on PMS or menopause or their pain in the ass husband. Granted, these are all valid arguments, but that's not the root of it...men are just as angry! I guess I'm trying to find the root and kill it not only in myself, but in those around me. This is a difficult task when almost everyone you encounter makes you just want to disappear. I guess its because talking about how angry everyone is seems kind of hopeless. How do you kill the root of anger in someone else if its also brewing in you? How do you even begin to address the subject without creating enemies of those you love? How do you not address the subject and continue to operate around people that you feel less and less comfortable around?
Seriously though, I've been examining negativity and anger for awhile now. I've been particularly examining how contagious it is. The one thing I can't figure out is where does it exactly start? I mean people get angry. Your parents, your children, your siblings, your friends, your colleagues. But, then there are another type of people who just are angry. Sure, like any human being they have spans of happiness (or what seems like happiness) but then BAM! at the drop of a dime (or one uneasy step) that happiness is shattered. This is when the razor sharp quips, the brooding, the opinions, the almost uncontrollable rage, sets in. Where the hell does that come from?! Why does it feel so good and so bad all at the same time? It's almost as if its another person. Like a little ugly, angry, loser that is sitting in you (or them), and every now and then decides to take over your body.
Women mostly blame these feelings or these fits of acting out on PMS or menopause or their pain in the ass husband. Granted, these are all valid arguments, but that's not the root of it...men are just as angry! I guess I'm trying to find the root and kill it not only in myself, but in those around me. This is a difficult task when almost everyone you encounter makes you just want to disappear. I guess its because talking about how angry everyone is seems kind of hopeless. How do you kill the root of anger in someone else if its also brewing in you? How do you even begin to address the subject without creating enemies of those you love? How do you not address the subject and continue to operate around people that you feel less and less comfortable around?
Monday, December 15, 2008
The enemy?
Comfort feels good. Comfort is familiar. Comfort... is the enemy? We strive to grow so that we may one day be comfortable right? Yet, comfort can easily stunt our growth.
How many people do you know who are at a job that they pretty much hate? How many of those same people complain at least once a week about how they need to find a new one? Of those, how many actually do it? I myself am a victim of this. I can't count the number of e-mails from myself to myself that say "THIS IS THE ONE" or "JOB" or "GET OUT APPLY TO THIS". All of these subject lines seem pretty urgent yet they are still sitting in my inbox as unread messages. What is it that makes us comfortable? For different people, its different things...maybe the health care is really good, maybe your commute is awesome, maybe you're set in your routine and don't really want to get out of it. Perhaps your boss is pretty cool and you're afraid of who you might get next (especially when you trade boss stories with your friends...there are some crazy folks out there). Maybe you think that after this, you will be your own boss. If that's the case though, you must seriously evaluate that statement and make sure that you are actually working towards that goal (and not just telling yourself that as you watch the Giants game and surf MySpace).
How many people are in relationships just because. Maybe this was their high school or college boyfriend/girlfriend and so the partner is just always there...kinda like your favorite slippers that you just won't throw out no matter how holey or dirty they are. Maybe you're afraid that no one will get you the way this person gets you or that you won't find anyone better and then you're doomed to a lifetime of loneliness. True, stepping out of your comfort zone can be scary and painful...but it can also lead to life lessons you may have never learned if you stayed in the warm and fuzzy lap of luxury. Sure, sometimes we meet our match early in life and we stick with it because it works...we don't want to go anywhere else. Sometimes we have to step away and live a little...then we eventually make our way back. But sometimes, sometimes we just stick there and deal with more than we want to or should because we are afraid of the unknown. Sometimes we step out for a moment and realize its just too cold out, so we run right back in. But, if you just stick it out, you find you can adjust to the cold...and somewhere out there you might just get to know yourself better.
Don't get me wrong, comfort can be wonderful...but sometimes we need to be a little uncomfortable to grow.
How many people do you know who are at a job that they pretty much hate? How many of those same people complain at least once a week about how they need to find a new one? Of those, how many actually do it? I myself am a victim of this. I can't count the number of e-mails from myself to myself that say "THIS IS THE ONE" or "JOB" or "GET OUT APPLY TO THIS". All of these subject lines seem pretty urgent yet they are still sitting in my inbox as unread messages. What is it that makes us comfortable? For different people, its different things...maybe the health care is really good, maybe your commute is awesome, maybe you're set in your routine and don't really want to get out of it. Perhaps your boss is pretty cool and you're afraid of who you might get next (especially when you trade boss stories with your friends...there are some crazy folks out there). Maybe you think that after this, you will be your own boss. If that's the case though, you must seriously evaluate that statement and make sure that you are actually working towards that goal (and not just telling yourself that as you watch the Giants game and surf MySpace).
How many people are in relationships just because. Maybe this was their high school or college boyfriend/girlfriend and so the partner is just always there...kinda like your favorite slippers that you just won't throw out no matter how holey or dirty they are. Maybe you're afraid that no one will get you the way this person gets you or that you won't find anyone better and then you're doomed to a lifetime of loneliness. True, stepping out of your comfort zone can be scary and painful...but it can also lead to life lessons you may have never learned if you stayed in the warm and fuzzy lap of luxury. Sure, sometimes we meet our match early in life and we stick with it because it works...we don't want to go anywhere else. Sometimes we have to step away and live a little...then we eventually make our way back. But sometimes, sometimes we just stick there and deal with more than we want to or should because we are afraid of the unknown. Sometimes we step out for a moment and realize its just too cold out, so we run right back in. But, if you just stick it out, you find you can adjust to the cold...and somewhere out there you might just get to know yourself better.
Don't get me wrong, comfort can be wonderful...but sometimes we need to be a little uncomfortable to grow.
Family Matters
Sometimes living with family can be wonderful. When you're starving with nothing in your fridge, they have food. When you don't want to break down and purchase a vacuum cleaner or a paper shredder, they have them there to borrow. When you don't want kids of your own but need to fill that motherly void that creeps up on you every now and then, you borrow theirs...then promptly return them. Sometimes living with family can be horrible. When you are wearing five sweaters to sleep because the heat absolutely turns off after the sunsets. When those same kids are taking marathon laps above your bedroom at 8am on a Saturday morning. When your bedroom is a converted garage and this mysterious fuzzy throat feeling won't let up (maybe you should really invest in your own vacuum). When the threat of a rent hike looms around every family feud you might find yourself smack in the middle of. Sure, its great living with family...just tread lightly and be sure to save up for the inevitable eviction.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Ha!
PRock, here's your answer...you either get something you want to look at or you get the f over it and get busy! That whole 'I feel sorry for me' crap is nothing less than destructive. Sure, we all have a weak moment or two when we look around and say 'damn, something is missing'. The reality is what we usually think we're missing is not really the issue. All too often the stir within us for something more usually gets blamed on two things: money and lust. See, usually when we feel unfulfilled we think it must be because we're struggling from pay check to pay check or because we just wish we could afford this or wish we could get that or travel there and live like those that we now watch on our local news. Yes, because celebrities and their relationships (or lack thereof) are now the headlines for our local news. This brings me to relationships or the lust for companionship. See, if we're making decent money and aren't necessarily struggling, then the discomfort we feel is immediately associated with a vacancy of the heart. This feeling we feel has to be because we need a companion...but then you have a companion and you still don't feel content...so then you move on to another or perhaps you decide its time to get to the next level. That next level could either be marriage or simply parenthood. The point is, its a cycle because we continue to chase a ghost. We can't see what it is that gives us this feeling of uneasiness and many of us dont usually dig deep enough because we don't think to or we just don't want to. So, we select one of two things to chase or long for: money and lust.
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