If the link to the music is being problematic, you can log onto www.623ent.com its much easier to listen and download from there. Here is one of my favorite tracks!!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Been a long time/shouldn'ta left you without a dope beat to step to...
So here it is! These last few months have been CRAZY but music like this has helped get me through it! Free Download available now for this awesome indie Hip Hop artist named Traum Diggs. He's been creeping up everywhere and finally we've got a full list of tracks to throw in our iPods. Right click mixtape and have it open in a new window. Enjoy!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Not too close!
I've recently come to a new realization...or rather have been forced to revisit a recurring theme. Since my memory seems to be shot (thanks college), I forget how it feels to be at this place and at this realization until it happens again. Could that be because I'm not learning my lesson? Probably. I'm just not too sure what that lesson is.
I've realized that I really don't let anyone in. I've got these invisible barriers that I feel are completely necessary. What led me to this realization is a memory. A quick fleeting memory of a friend I had in junior high school. When I relocated back to NY a few years ago, I invited her to my mom's house for a 'woman power' summit. She said she would come, and she actually did. So, a few years later as I'm sitting here in my cube from hell, my mind wanders to her. It wanders because you would think that if I've known someone since I was 11 or 12 and she resurfaces in my life at 20+ that I would revisit a friendship with her, hang with her, get invited to her wedding, etc. Weirdly enough none of that happened. She came to my mom's house, I welcomed her with open arms, but I now realize I didn't invest in her. Granted, there were a lot of people and I was essentially the host, but still. Why didn't I take 10 minutes to talk to her? If I did, it wasn't significant because I don't remember it. Why didn't I follow up and set up dinner or drinks? Why am I just thinking about this now?
The answer is simple. I don't really invest. It's just how I am. I don't ever remember making friends...I mean I don't think I've ever approached a person in an attempt to be their friend. I'm usually discovered as this cool, funny chick that folks want to hang with. I think the second layer of this equation is that the very few times I have opened up and began to invest in someone, I was disappointed. Not only was I disappointed, but now this person knows things about me, and someone knowing things...anything... about me is not something I'm comfortable with. So, now there is someone that can hurt me with their words or their judgements of me because I let them see too much. The worst part is they usually do.
So, if you're reading this, just throw up a quick prayer for me as I try to peel back this onion. I know a lifetime of invisible barriers is not healthy. Especially when those barriers reach into all facets of your life (work, friends, family). But, I guess the key is finding a happy place between being a totally open book and Fort Knox.
I've realized that I really don't let anyone in. I've got these invisible barriers that I feel are completely necessary. What led me to this realization is a memory. A quick fleeting memory of a friend I had in junior high school. When I relocated back to NY a few years ago, I invited her to my mom's house for a 'woman power' summit. She said she would come, and she actually did. So, a few years later as I'm sitting here in my cube from hell, my mind wanders to her. It wanders because you would think that if I've known someone since I was 11 or 12 and she resurfaces in my life at 20+ that I would revisit a friendship with her, hang with her, get invited to her wedding, etc. Weirdly enough none of that happened. She came to my mom's house, I welcomed her with open arms, but I now realize I didn't invest in her. Granted, there were a lot of people and I was essentially the host, but still. Why didn't I take 10 minutes to talk to her? If I did, it wasn't significant because I don't remember it. Why didn't I follow up and set up dinner or drinks? Why am I just thinking about this now?
The answer is simple. I don't really invest. It's just how I am. I don't ever remember making friends...I mean I don't think I've ever approached a person in an attempt to be their friend. I'm usually discovered as this cool, funny chick that folks want to hang with. I think the second layer of this equation is that the very few times I have opened up and began to invest in someone, I was disappointed. Not only was I disappointed, but now this person knows things about me, and someone knowing things...anything... about me is not something I'm comfortable with. So, now there is someone that can hurt me with their words or their judgements of me because I let them see too much. The worst part is they usually do.
So, if you're reading this, just throw up a quick prayer for me as I try to peel back this onion. I know a lifetime of invisible barriers is not healthy. Especially when those barriers reach into all facets of your life (work, friends, family). But, I guess the key is finding a happy place between being a totally open book and Fort Knox.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Anger
Where does anger come from? Everywhere. Who does anger affect? Everyone. OK OK so I watch waaay too much TV and now I am using 'the depression commercial' as my opening line...someone cut me off already!
Seriously though, I've been examining negativity and anger for awhile now. I've been particularly examining how contagious it is. The one thing I can't figure out is where does it exactly start? I mean people get angry. Your parents, your children, your siblings, your friends, your colleagues. But, then there are another type of people who just are angry. Sure, like any human being they have spans of happiness (or what seems like happiness) but then BAM! at the drop of a dime (or one uneasy step) that happiness is shattered. This is when the razor sharp quips, the brooding, the opinions, the almost uncontrollable rage, sets in. Where the hell does that come from?! Why does it feel so good and so bad all at the same time? It's almost as if its another person. Like a little ugly, angry, loser that is sitting in you (or them), and every now and then decides to take over your body.
Women mostly blame these feelings or these fits of acting out on PMS or menopause or their pain in the ass husband. Granted, these are all valid arguments, but that's not the root of it...men are just as angry! I guess I'm trying to find the root and kill it not only in myself, but in those around me. This is a difficult task when almost everyone you encounter makes you just want to disappear. I guess its because talking about how angry everyone is seems kind of hopeless. How do you kill the root of anger in someone else if its also brewing in you? How do you even begin to address the subject without creating enemies of those you love? How do you not address the subject and continue to operate around people that you feel less and less comfortable around?
Seriously though, I've been examining negativity and anger for awhile now. I've been particularly examining how contagious it is. The one thing I can't figure out is where does it exactly start? I mean people get angry. Your parents, your children, your siblings, your friends, your colleagues. But, then there are another type of people who just are angry. Sure, like any human being they have spans of happiness (or what seems like happiness) but then BAM! at the drop of a dime (or one uneasy step) that happiness is shattered. This is when the razor sharp quips, the brooding, the opinions, the almost uncontrollable rage, sets in. Where the hell does that come from?! Why does it feel so good and so bad all at the same time? It's almost as if its another person. Like a little ugly, angry, loser that is sitting in you (or them), and every now and then decides to take over your body.
Women mostly blame these feelings or these fits of acting out on PMS or menopause or their pain in the ass husband. Granted, these are all valid arguments, but that's not the root of it...men are just as angry! I guess I'm trying to find the root and kill it not only in myself, but in those around me. This is a difficult task when almost everyone you encounter makes you just want to disappear. I guess its because talking about how angry everyone is seems kind of hopeless. How do you kill the root of anger in someone else if its also brewing in you? How do you even begin to address the subject without creating enemies of those you love? How do you not address the subject and continue to operate around people that you feel less and less comfortable around?
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