Not too close!

I've recently come to a new realization...or rather have been forced to revisit a recurring theme. Since my memory seems to be shot (thanks college), I forget how it feels to be at this place and at this realization until it happens again. Could that be because I'm not learning my lesson? Probably. I'm just not too sure what that lesson is.

I've realized that I really don't let anyone in. I've got these invisible barriers that I feel are completely necessary. What led me to this realization is a memory. A quick fleeting memory of a friend I had in junior high school. When I relocated back to NY a few years ago, I invited her to my mom's house for a 'woman power' summit. She said she would come, and she actually did. So, a few years later as I'm sitting here in my cube from hell, my mind wanders to her. It wanders because you would think that if I've known someone since I was 11 or 12 and she resurfaces in my life at 20+ that I would revisit a friendship with her, hang with her, get invited to her wedding, etc. Weirdly enough none of that happened. She came to my mom's house, I welcomed her with open arms, but I now realize I didn't invest in her. Granted, there were a lot of people and I was essentially the host, but still. Why didn't I take 10 minutes to talk to her? If I did, it wasn't significant because I don't remember it. Why didn't I follow up and set up dinner or drinks? Why am I just thinking about this now?

The answer is simple. I don't really invest. It's just how I am. I don't ever remember making friends...I mean I don't think I've ever approached a person in an attempt to be their friend. I'm usually discovered as this cool, funny chick that folks want to hang with. I think the second layer of this equation is that the very few times I have opened up and began to invest in someone, I was disappointed. Not only was I disappointed, but now this person knows things about me, and someone knowing things...anything... about me is not something I'm comfortable with. So, now there is someone that can hurt me with their words or their judgements of me because I let them see too much. The worst part is they usually do.

So, if you're reading this, just throw up a quick prayer for me as I try to peel back this onion. I know a lifetime of invisible barriers is not healthy. Especially when those barriers reach into all facets of your life (work, friends, family). But, I guess the key is finding a happy place between being a totally open book and Fort Knox.